“mau kmana ni ntar malem?”

“ah..dunno,. bit tired ni, bosen pula. dipikir2 udh g waras aja gt”

“apa yg ga waras? kamu? emg lo ga waras! haha”

“itu gw jg tau, mksd gw 5 days a week clubbing? ga kuat aku ”

“apa gunanya suplemen, bodoh?, udh ah.. ntar malem k embes aja”

trus cewe itu ngeloyor pergi.

“uh..but I can’t keep spending like 8 million every week..uf..”

but surely no one hears my saying.

@embes, after midnite.
I sat alone, on the sofa (spend a million 4 tis sofa’s comfort)

See the girls swinging, dancing, laughing around. They were surely enjoying their selves.

me? alone.. drinking shooters of tequila, with couple glasses of beers.

Americans says,

“don’t drink beer after liquor, you will see the fecked up version of you”

but I feel fine that time, no signs of drunk-state, but yes.. I’m a bit tipsy.
Trying hard to get wasted and puking all around the club.
my favorite line that nite was “another one, please.”
after two hours of end-less drinking, I gave up.

My mission for tonite – to get wasted - is 100% failed.

enough for the drink, I closed my bill, signed it and saw a six “0” after the number 2.
ah.. another useless spending.

I walked to my friends, “do u guys wanna go home now? I’m soo.. bored”

they said “dun be such a child, we haven’t have the best atmos yet”

“I’ll go alone then, I’ll give some for taxi, ok?”

“ok. have u closed the bill? can u deposit another 5hundred?”

“ah.. ok.. I’ll put it under ur name.”

I slowly walked away to the bar, put on a 5hundred deposit.

“take care, luv” they said.

Hecticly disappointed.. and that happened 5 days in every week.
can’t call it a hobby, can’t call it a routine, can’t call it fun.
it was more like un-written assignment for me. No excuses, no choices.


around 3am
Cruising home alone.
Driving nicely alone.

My eyes were blurred.
Hardly focused.
Hardly see what’s on the front.

I hope it was the tears.
I smiled and blink.
so that my tears can come down.

But my eyes were dry.

The resin obtained from the cultivated Indian hemp plant (cannabis sativa), is used as a hallucinogenic drug. It is known as charas in eastern Asia.
Most hashish comes from Lebanon, Nepal, and other Asian countries. The resin is separated from the flowering tops of the cannabis plant by beating the tops against burlap, thus forming lumps from which a dark brown exudates is obtained. Sugar is often mixed with this exudates to add weight.

Hashish is closely related to marijuana, which is made from parts of the plant itself. Marijuana is, however, less potent than hashish. The potency is thought to be determined by the amount of tetrahydrocannabinol (THC) present in the preparation. Marijuana usually has 0% - 3% THC, while hashish has from 10% - 15%.

use. Hashish has been used for centuries throughout the world. It is, for example, described in The Arabian Nights, by the Roman writer Pliny, and by the medieval traveler Marco Polo. It was used by French artists and writers in “Le Club des Hashichins” in the 1850’s.
Hashish is the form of cannabis most commonly used in western Europe, and it became increasingly popular in the United States during the late 1960’s. It is most frequently smoked in a water pipe or mixed with tobacco and smoked in an ordinary pipe. It is can also be eaten, but it less potent by weight when swallowed. Cannabis preparations are not presently used in medicine, but some preliminary work has been done to evaluate the possible usefulness of THC in medicine.

effect. The effect of hashish are stronger than those produced by marijuana, but not so strong as produced by LSD. Hashish can induce a broad spectrum of mental changes, depending on the personality of the user, the setting in which drug is consumed, and the expectation of the user.
Most frequently, users describe a dreamlike fantasy. Time and space distortions occur and, rarely, hallucinations.
Anxiety and panic may also occur, but a feeling of euphoria is more frequently reported. Uncontrollable laughter is produced in some people. Sleepiness and craving for food also sometimes occur with hashish use, unlike LSD, which does not produce this effect.
The results of smoking hashish over long periods of time are not scientifically known. In those countries where hashish use is traditionally widespread, heavy use is considered detrimental. Apathy, loss of ability to think logically, and occasionally bizarre behavior have been frequently described as characteristic of habitual users. As with other disinhibiting drugs, a person under the influence of hashish may loose control and become aggressive. As a rule, however, passivity occurs, and the chronic users gravitates to a group of other heavy users, who make a “career” of hashish smoking.

Sidney M.Cohen, M.D.
Division of Narcotic Addiction and Drug Abuse
National Insitute of Mental Health

“What???! Are you sending me to that school?! It’s not funny, Pa”
aku berdiri dihadapan Papa, berharap bahwa semua ini hanya lelucon.

“Iya, sayang. Emang apa yang salah dengan sekolah islam? Itu supaya kamu lebih mendalami agama kamu. You will meet new friends, the better ones. And I’ll buy you a car if you want it.”

“Enggak bisa, Pa! Aku gak bisa setiap hari pake kerudung ke sekolah. Mau beli mobil kek, or even a helicopter, I’m not going to that school!”

Papa menjawab dengan tegas, “Mau enggak mau kamu harus mau dan terima. Papa udah daftarin, udah bayar, dan udah usaha keras supaya kamu diterima tanpa tes dan bisa masuk terlambat. Jadi besok harus udah mulai masuk sekolah!!!”
lalu dia pergi dengan tergesa-gesa, tanpa memberiku kesempatan untuk membantah.

Lucu rasanya.. Kemarin pas lulus SMP, knowing that ternyata dapet nya SMU yg memuakkan, masih saja aku memaksakan diri untuk sekolah di SMU tersebut selama 1 cawu dgn jumlah kehadiran hanya 18 hari. Kacau.. kacau..
lalu Papa memaksa aku untuk ke Jerman sekalian bertemu dengan kakakku yang memang tinggal disana. Dia yang ngotot untuk menyuruhku pergi, katanya urusan pindah sekolah bisa menunggu, nanti dia yang akan mengurus semuanya, jadi sekembalinya aku dari Jerman, semuanya sudah beres dan aku hanya tinggal memakai seragam SMU dan berangkat sekolah. Mudah sekali kedengarannya, dan aku setuju pada usulnya saat itu. So i spent almost a year being an un-schooled girl.

Tapi sekarang???!!

Mana mungkin aku bisa bertahan di sekolah yang mewajibkan muridnya memakai kerudung setiap hari?

Dengan keadaanku sekarang, mana mungkin aku bisa mendapat teman?

Aku bingung, takut, kecewa, marah, semua bercampur jadi satu.
Aku tidak tidur malam itu, ditemani dengan jus jeruk campur vodka, akhirnya aku merasa semuanya akan baik-baik saja.

“Hai, eh.. Assalamu Alaikum, nama saya Irma. Saya anak baru disini. Hm.. ada pertanyaan?” aku bicara dengan canggung.

“Eh… kerudungnya mencong tuh” kata seorang cowok di kursi belakang, dan semua tertawa.

“Where do I have to sit, Sir?” aku bertanya pada Pak Guru.


Pak Guru menjawab dengan senyuman sambil menunjuk ke deretan paling belakang.
Aku dapat tempat duduk di pojok belakang kiri, teman sebangku-ku bernama XX, katanya dia pindahan dari Amerika, entah Amerika bagian mananya. Aku tidak peduli.

XX bertanya dengan wajah bodohnya “Elo dari Jerman kan? Kok malah ngomong bahasa inggris?”

“Karena gue ga tertarik untuk belajar bahasa jerman. Gue juga bisa bahasa Perancis, loe bisa ga?”

“hmm.. gue gak bisa bahasa Perancis, but we can talk in English if you want to. So that nobody can understand.” uf.. ni cewek emang bodoh yah?

“Sorry, darling. Not interested.” jawabku. Dan dia terdiam, tepatnya memperhatikan Pak Guru yang sedang mengajar fisika.

Dan aku mulai terbenam dalam lamunanku, entah apa yang ada didalam benakku. Yang aku tau saat aku tersadar, bel sudah berbunyi, berarti waktu istirahat dimulai dan aku harus menghadapi tantangan yang kedua. Yaitu menginjakan kaki di kantin dan tidak membuat kekacauan disana.

I kept telling myself, “Don’t be a head-turner, keep it low, don’t stare someone rite through the eyes, don’t punch someone who gives you the “look”, just be normal.. just be normal”.

Beruntungnya aku karena tidak ada tragedy yang terjadi. Aku makan dengan tenang bersama dengan orang yang tidak aku kenal, tersenyum kepada mereka, dan kembali ke kelas dengan selamat. Aku duduk kembali di tempat duduk-ku, membuka tutup termos kecil kesayanganku, dan meminum sedikit orange juice + vodka yang kusiapkan dari tadi pagi. Pfiuh… enaknya… minum vodka orange juice dingin pada jam 11 siang.

Selanjutnya, aku hanya mengalir mengikuti arus, dan bel pulang berbunyi.
Aku selamat hari ini.
Thank God.
It was my first experience as a neu girl, not bad tho..

Waktu berlalu dan ternyata aku tidak sendirian, aku punya beberapa teman dekat.
Ke kantin bareng, bolos sekolah bareng, ngerokok bareng, mabuk-mabukan bareng, semuanya bareng. Bahkan, guru-guru sudah mengecap kami sebagai “anak-anak yang bermasa depan suram”. Kasihan sekali guru-guru itu, karena saat kami lulus dari sekolah neraka itu, kami ber-empat lah yang berhasil masuk perguruan negeri melalui spmb. Hidup memang ironis bagi mereka yang egois dan berpikiran sempit.

Semestinya guru-guru bisa bersikap sportif terhadap kami. Walaupun kami nakal, bermasalah dan susah diatur, kami bukan anak yang bodoh dan berotak udang, kami selalu menduduki peringkat tiga besar di kelas masing-masing. Semestinya mereka bisa bersikap lebih bijak, dan mereka harusnya lebih tahu.

Hohoho… saya maafkan kalian, Bapak dan Ibu Guru. Karena bagaimanapun, kalian tetap berjasa terhadap diri saya.

Dimana seharusnya aku berdiri?
Di dalam kegelapan? dibawah cahaya lampu?
ataukah aku harus berdiri diantara terang dan gelap?

Aku telah mencoba menjadi anak yang baik, tetapi mengapa aku menjadi merasa terbebani?
Haha… aku bohong.
Aku tidak pernah jadi anak yang baik, aku tidak bisa menjadi anak yang baik, karena itu bukan bakatku.

Seperti apa sebenarnya anak baik itu?

Pintar? aku pintar kok, nilaiku bagus, otakku encer, tapi aku tidak bisa belajar tanpa merokok.

Penurut? aku memang bukan anak yang sangat penurut, tapi aku bisa memenuhi sebagian besar harapan orangtuaku, walaupun itu bukan yang aku mau.
Tapi, selalu ada alkohol untuk menghapus rasa kecewa ku walaupun hanya sementara dan untungnya aku bukan tipe orang yang mudah tenggelam dalam kekecewaan.

Ramah dan ceria? Wah.. itu adalah aku. Teman-temanku senang berteman denganku karena aku ramah dan penyayang. Aku sangat humoris dan gemar sekali tersenyum atau bahkan tertawa saat mendengar lelucon konyol. Terlebih saat aku so feckin stoned on THC, aku menjadi amat sangat ceria.

Semua pasti setuju bahwa tidak ada nilai ukur yang pasti untuk menentukan seorang anak itu baik atau tidak.

Sekarang, menurut kalian, apakah aku anak yang baik?

I woke up too early tis morning, or did I not sleep at all?

anyway, bit hectic here.

I was so.. um.. so shocked.. seeing 2 bottles of giant-sized soft-gel capsules and a bottle of pills -with my name on them- on the dining table.
what a delicious breakfast.

“dun let tis ruin ur mood, honey”..me, thought.

there’s a note :
Morning: take (one) yellow capsule and (one) pill
Night : take (one) red capsule.


“they are vitamins, to keep u in a good..um..health” mama said.

well,ok.. no rejection, then.. I’ll just gonna take them everyday from today.

Feel somehow awkward, bcos I have neu friends from abroad,.
I wonder.. do they good enough to make me addicted?

but as I remind u all again.. I have no talent as an addict.
if u saw me consuming all those illicit substances in a very hasty frequent,
remember that “I’m not an addict, I just happened to like them”
and when it’s time to cut it off, I’ll cut it off in no time.

-need to buy another pillbox-

Tis is the best time

under the sunlight

on the sandy beach

i had my "coming"

a sin-less one..

just can't wait...

until daddy come home..

can't wait

I'd rather be liberated, I find myself captivated

Stop doing what you . . . Keep doing it too . . .

I'd rather stay bold and lonely, I dream I'm your one and only

Stop doing what you . . . Keep doing it too . . .


Things are getting strange, I'm starting to worry
This could be a case for Mulder and Scully
Things are getting strange, now I can't sleep alone


I'd rather be jumping ship, I find myself jumping straight in

Stop doing what you . . . Keep doing it too . . .

Forever be dozy and dim, I wake myself thinking of him

Stop doing what you . . . Keep doing it too . . .


My bed is made for two and there's nothing I can do
So tell me something I don't know

If my head is full of you is there nothing I can do?
Must we all march in two by two by two?


Things are getting strange, I'm starting to worry
This could be a case for Mulder and Scully
Things are getting strange, now I can't sleep alone


And as for some happy ending, I'd rather stay single and thin

Stop doing what you . . . Keep doing to me


Things are getting strange, I'm starting to worry
This could be a case for Mulder and Scully
Things are getting strange, now I can't sleep alone here


So what have you got to say about that?

And what does someone do without love?

And what does someone do with love?

And what have you got to say about that?

-- Mulder and Scully by Catatonia--

Orange hitam dan pink ◙ clana2 pendekku ◙ berantem ◙ chocolate ◙ nonjok orang ◙ es krim ◙ susu ◙ keju dilelehin pake lada dan garam ◙ kentang goreng ◙ martabak keju coklat ◙ mangga dan strawberry ◙ kamarku yg berantakan ◙ lemari pakaianku yg udah mo jebol ◙ lucky strike menthol ◙ babi ostrali ◙ permen karet ◙ lollypop ◙ petroleum jelly ◙ alat make-up ku ◙ laci meja kelasku di sma ◙ bantal guling ◙ masakan mama ◙ givenchy-nya kk ku ◙ gucci rush 2 ◙ seragam skolahku yg junkie ◙ sendal jepit dekil ◙ jeans ku yg blm dicuci ◙ celana dalem ◙ bra ◙ nachos ◙ milo pake rum ◙ rob thomasnya matchbox 20 ◙ kalung muka pongo ◙ cheesecake wit hot fudge sauce ◙ selimutku ◙ bergosip ◙ mandi aer anget ◙ pensil warna, spidol, krayon ◙ teriak ◙ diriku saat lg norak ◙ teka teki silang ◙ mimpi "enak" ◙ berenang ◙ tanning ◙ ber-bikini di pantai ◙ kenyang ◙ stenga bugil ◙ musik ◙ ngayal ◙ pasang gaya senga ◙ nyetop angkot ◙ ngeliat bintang ◙ ngitungin plat nomor ◙ jongkok ◙ koleksi sedotan ku ◙ koleksi kondom ku yg udh history ◙ manjat pohon ◙ stephen king (buat horor nya) ◙ stephen hawking (untuk teori blackhole nya) ◙ kentut gede2 ◙ dengerin org ngomong ◙ ngeliat org malu ◙ benerin clana dalem yg nyempil ◙ wangi bensin ◙ foto-foto ◙ make a joint of pot ◙ snickers ◙ bir dingin ◙ coke (as for coca cola) ◙ ktawa ngakak ◙ e'e sambil ngroko ◙ nyela orang ◙ jalan-jalan ◙ nonton film ◙ kuteks ◙ perut yg ndut ◙ joget goyang asoy ◙ ngangkang (biar adem..) ◙ daster bolong ◙ rambut di kepang-kepang ◙ cemilan-cemilan ◙ luluran ◙ di peluk di cium di gendong ◙ dipegang perutnya ◙ lilin-lilin ◙ nyorat nyoret ◙ puisi? ◙ baca buku ◙ cherry cola ◙ 820 ◙ kbaya encim ku ◙ dark grey eyeliner ◙ keiko kiba ◙ vicks inhaler yg diangetin ◙ es teh manis pake dry gin ◙ pasir pantai yg nempel-nempel di kulit ◙ kuda nil lg mandi ◙ org yg byr utang ◙ ngeliat cewe cantik ◙ matiin lampu klo mo bobo ◙ scrubbing glove ◙ converse butut ku ◙ ngeliat mama makein papa dasi ◙ pingpong ◙ tiduran di jln tol ◙ air mata yg ga turun-turun ◙ sop buntut ◙ nasi uduk ayam bakar ◙ jus wortel ◙ feeling happy for a whole day ◙ kupu-kupu old school ◙ writing this list (gonna add some more later)

YOU

you are first thought every morning
and
my last of every night

you are the brightness in darkness
and
the brightness in my light

your face is sheer perfection

your kisses.. a delight

your shyness makes me want you more

you are just a perfect sight

i only hope you love me as much as i love you

Because

you and i were meant to be..

as one instead of two

eh...
there's one thing i just remembered..
and need to be asked..

do us, women, need to self-service ourselves?
i mean.. like.. m*sturbate?

i mean, doesn't it feel silly to touch our own miss cheerful with our own fingers?
or should we use something more real?
like something with a d*ck shape ?

hahaha.. i am so lame on this one.

or should we buy a d*ldo?

ah.. i need to take a course on "how to m*sturbate and have a sex-less orgasm"

is there anyone out there knows where?

it's about last nite.

monday, dan... bener2 jd hari yg baik untuk ak.
g tw knp tiba2 malemnya kena turbulence lg.. um.. engga dashyat sii.
untungnya cpet aja gt nyadarnya klo ni mood udh mulai ga keruan.
self-awareness ku lg bgs malm itu.
so.. mulai bingung lah, gulang guling, muter muter, bolak balik.. ga jlas.

trus mulai static, ngerasa hampa trus emotionless lah pokoknya.
mau senyam-senyum males, mau marah ga kpengen, mau ngomong aja berat bgt rasanya.
it felt like i have to put all my breath on the line just to speak out a word. Aneh.. tp emg kyk gt rasanya.

jd mulai mikir, rasa seneng pas pagi dan siang itu bneran atau engga ya?
was it just euphoria?

udh tambah bingung, yah.. udah deh.. need sumone to be my trash bin.
so, aku sms lah si king of poo-poo itu.
disuruh nulis ktnya, trus ngingetin quote of the day, trus bla..bla..

tp ga ada komputer d rmh, and klo nulis manually, ga keburu aja ma loncatan pikiran ku yg amat sgt high speed (tp ga speed of light juga sih).

then, eh.. malah ngambil kertas and pulpen, and i started writing!!!
ah.. tubuh yg aneh.. trus.. y udh.. feel better walopun cm nulis kyk 5 kalimat or so.

cm blm relieved aja, jadiii... hayuuuuu... nyampah!! nyampah!! nyampah!!
telp king of poo-poo deh.. trus nyampah deh, trus dicela deh, trus diketawain deh, trus aku ikutan ketawa deh, trus feel better deh, trus the nite was officially save deh..

thanks, son.. hehe..

after the shytty-chat, sblm bobo jd mikir2 lg.. mikirin what's the issue that made me like this again.
then, daddy called.. we talked for a while and "miss u, pa. Cant u come home early? Cant u come tomorrow? or.. or.. cant u manage to fly me there?"
those words just keep on coming out from my mouth.
he said, he'll try to come home tomorrow (that means today).
and the dessert feels the rain.

i knew the issue... i just miss my daddy so much... miss him so much..

after that, i laid in bed, put my blanket on, hugged my pillow, and sleep so tight.

One Of a Kind

there he goes again..

showing his -One Of a Kind- grin
along with that -One Of a Kind- twitch in those eyes
dressed up boyishly in his -One Of a Kind- style

oh..
how i love his -One of a Kind- ways
and that totally.. totally -One Of a Kind- face

but the most impressing of them all is,
his lovely, friendly, unbearable, attracting, hypnotizing,
absolutely undeniable -One Of a Kind- smile

--where can i find "him" ?--

oh iya... GOSSIP !!!

eh bkn gossip sih, tp un-expected reality!

ts tu pas plg ngajar nyempetin nyari jepitan rambut (dgn model tertentu yg aneh), krn ni rambut udh mulai gondrong dan madame udh ngasi ultimatum ga blh lg ni rambut dipotong pendek.
so, kudu di akal-akalin lah biar bs tetep stylish (walopun tiap ari gw slalu stylish!!)

akirnya nemu tu, di gang-gang pasar lama (yg skrg udh dirobohin, untung dagangan di gang ny msh exist!)

trusss... ya tuhaaaan...

nemu kalung dr wooden beads warna ijo muda and kuning, trus ada beads-beads bentuk kubusnya dengan tulisan huruf2. yg bikin tambh keren, tuh huruf2 kgk beraturan, banyakan konsonan drpd vokal nya,jd ga mungkin ngebentuk suatu "kata" and kebolak-balik tu hurufnya, jadi lebih ga mungkin lagi tu huruf2 memiliki "meaning" tertentu.

itulah hebatnya, kalung lucu dgn huruf2 yg meaningless (bagi kalian tentunya), bagi gw tu huruf2 tu kyk un-polished diamonds gitu, kliatannya ga berharga tp cm org yg ngerti dan punya mind yg genius sperti gw yg bisa tau keindahannya.

Hahahaha.. paan seh?

Dan harganya hanya Dua Ribu Lima Ratus Rupiah

gelo..ah..gelo.. ada aja gitu duit 2rb5rts hari gini msh bs dpt kalung lucu.. yah tentunya bisa lah.. irma gituuuu!
kliatannya sama impossible nya dgn kasus sendal teplek di PIM seharga 13.900..
tapi kenyataan nya gitu, darling!

wit me, shopping can be much fun and much much cheaper tentunyaaaaa!!!! hohoho.. mulai.. kambuhhhh...

yah udah lah...
ntar gw post poto kalungnya disini, skalian mamer gitu... tapi kpn ya?
hmm... ntar aja lah klo udah dpt momentnya yg pas.

hohohoho.. til then, keep dat curiousity workin properly!

tha2



--laffu--

ah.. wat a bright monday..
so laffly..

got up in the morning..
put on clothes wit a preppy style, and ready for teaching. yea..

trus.. ngajar si bocah bolot itu, bayangin aja, kata ganti aja kgk ngerti.
it refers to ?
they refers to?
its refers to?
their refers to?

aaah... dudul se-dudul-dudul-nya!!!

but it was fun, tho.

bad news nya, kiba sakit.. muntah2..
trus sekalinya udh brenti muntah eh malah lemes, ga mw makan, badannya panas (even kupingnya pun ikutan panas, pdhl biasanya nge-check panas cm dr armpit)
hiks,.. sedih aku..
kyknya emg hrs dibawa k dokter, tapi apa daya aku emang lagi bokek sekali.
tapi aku akan berusaha cari duit cari duit, biar kiba bisa ke dokter dan sembuh dan ceria lagi dan bikin rumah jd berantakan lagi... Yesh!!! ayo irma, u can do it.

anyway..
dpt quote dr sony.
so..

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"Clear Life Coming From Positive Mind"

Waaaaah... ktinggalan yg satu ini...

hmm... for all my frigid times, it's funny to knoe that i can still turned on.

but the silly thing is..
i'm turned on by que's ass... !!!!!!

uuuw.... so embarassing..

h0w can a person like me can turned on by the sighting of an ass ???

oh my... but his ass really.. kinda appealing in sum way that i can't explain. even it was just from a picture.
kinda curious, tho.. how the real one would look like..

no hard feeling, que..

consider tis writing as a compliment for u, no.. i mean for ur ass..

hehe.. peace...

tha2 then, time to have a lunch..

ah.. sebenernya udah capek bgt nulis..
tapiii...
hihihi...

ada kejadian tolol yg spertinya hrs dipublikasikan (hueleh..apaa seeeh??)

jadi ni gw lg di warnet, trus eh trus.. make komp yg diatas (=smoking area)
then pas lagi asik2nya, ada yg duduk trus ol di komp sbelah kiri gw.
gw lagi ngroko dan org yg di sblh kiri dy jg lg ngroko.
trus.. bete aja gitu, udah tw ni smoking area, eh dy ngipas2 asep rokok gitu pake tangan.
ya udh.. gw msh diemin aja.
krn gw tw emang ga enak duduk terhimpit antara 2 org yg ngroko saat kita sendiri lg g ngroko.
tapiiiii... kelanjutannya itu loh...
dia malah nutup idung pake baju sambil ngedumel2 sendiri, mumbling2 g jls gt deh.
dan dengan gaya2 yg agak kebencongan dia mulai lg ngipas2 trus nutup idung trus ngipas2 trus nutup idung.

ya ampun, dik.. (secara tu org msh abg kliatannya)
get real gituuu...tis is a smoking area. dun come into a smoking area when u cant even stand the smoke.
ah.. bete juga yah (tp gw g bneran bt kok, krn terbesit sesuatu ide cemerlang)
krn rada gerah juga, jd gw ngelap keringet di muka gw pake tissue.
ah.. ada ide cemerlang niiii...

so, gw memutuskan untuk melaksanakan ide cemerlang itu. walaupun gw tw gw bakal agak menderita jg akirnya (the worst possibility)

gw taro tissue bekas pakai ke dlm asbak (yg sebenernya adalah sebuah mangkok), trus rokok gw yg masih setengah gw taro aja gitu di atas tissue itu dgn maksud spy kebakar.

hoho.. pasti smua yg ngroko tau, jgn buang tissue di asbak, krn klo kbakar... ya tuhaaan..
asepnya itu ga enak bgt dan tentunya amat sangat membuat mata dan idung jadi perih.
trus, gw turun deh ke wc, pipis dulu... hohoho sekalian menghindari asep pedes itu,

and guess what... pas gw naek..
tu abg bencong lagi heboh2nya batuk2 sambil ngelap aer mata... hahaha... mampussssssh!!

trus dia ngomong k gw, "mbak klo naro roko ati2 dong, tissue nya kbakar tuh, kan jadi perih. gmn sih..?"

gw jawab "loh, itu asbak kan? brarti ga salah dong. masa mo naro roko di mukamu? engga bgt kan? klo g betah, adek bisa maen dibawah aja, pake ac, trus smoke-free.. hehe"

trus dia diem dulu gitu, trus ngedumel trus turun ke bawah,.

hahaha... legaaaaa rasanyaaaa... trus org yg disebelah kiri gw ngomong "pinter jg, mbak. sukurin tu org, lagian nyebelin bgt"

trus gw ktawa aja deh.. hahaha nikmat bgt rasanya.

walaaupun ga senikmat "coming" di pantai.. hahahaha

@home, around midnite.
after friends' hangout time.

mysteriously, i've received a package consist of cellphone and a number.
dunno where or who it is from.

being alone, in home. Considering dat my brother went out for a date, and mom and mitchie and granny were sleeping, i called sony.

Need 2 talk to smone dat wont give nice and cliche words, and it is sony.
Well known for his un-mannered and stabbish words. (peace,son..)

i called him..
hmm.. asking for a devilish suggestion and idea, how to be a better me. (dat was always the major topic of our chitchat).

"i missed my grandpa so much", i told him.
i never talk about my grandpa wit him, so dat nite i did a story telling about gp.
ah.. story telling.. sounds so... childhood.. wit all the fairy tales and happy ending stories.

well anyway, i called him for about an hour until the call dropped off bcos of the insufficient credit. ah.. tapi xl lmyn juga, 10rb for an hour chat.
hehe..

well.. i slept tight last nite.. dunno whether it is bcos the drink or the call.
but i'm glad that i cant sleep so peacefully, and wake up in the morning with a full-charge good mood.


and as for the last nite and dis morning,

i'm still able to be "me" freely.

@ friends' hangout time, sat nite.

first group came, Panjul and Marcell
bringin a ready to drink "kempring shyt".
i'm up for tis one.

drink.. smoke.. drink.. smoke.. chitchat.. smoke.. chitchat.. drink

same routine. I could've say no for the drink, but my friends seem in a kinda bad mood, and need a listener, so i lent'em my ears and i sorta started to drink unconsiously.

Second group came, Ayyub and Key
they came, and the conversation dropped out.
We started to play guitar in exchange..

sing.. smoke.. sing.. smoke.. play guitar.. drink.. sing.. smoke

Ayyub is my cousin, purposively he came to ask for some weed. Ah.. i said dat i dun have any.
High on THC is the least thing dat i want.
not long, then they went home. The searchin 4 weed ended up in bad result. haha

Third group came, Nia and Ade

before they came, panjul already bought another nice bottles of that "Kempring Shyt"


Relieved.. guitar is stop being played, keiko sat silently staring at us, and.. they drunk again.
and i decided to pass. "count me out for tis round"
So they drunk, and i just watched.

Laugh.. chitchat.. smoke.. laugh.. laugh.. chitchat.. laugh.. smoke..

at midnite..

i told everyone to leave.
cos i'm tired, and planning to call sony.

so everyone went home.

and that was my usual lame sat nite.
and i'm still being "me"

tha2

Pfiuh..
at last... i've successfully let him go..
who's him? ah.. no one..

i put all my dignity on the line, prepare for the worse (being not able to let him go), and met him.
only for one purpose, getting my life back into one full piece.

so on friday nite, we met..
still with dat same perfume, same sparkling eyes, same cute smile, same nice tone of voice and even same "his sit and think" pose, and it was totally the same him. The same him dat i could never have.

i spend the nite wit him, and walk him to the airport in the next morning.

--------@ the airport

he said : "so this is it then, i guess there'll be no more us from now, rite?"

i said : "it's never been us, honey. from the first until now."

i'm trembling and thinking, i thought dat i was the one who's expected too much. But hearing him saying "no more us", i felt somekind of regret. Was he considered an "us" for after all these times when we've been togetherly untogether? I've always wanted to have an "us" goin on between us. But it seems too impossible back then, until now, exactly. ah..

he said : "i've always thought dat it will be u. u know, it'll work out if only i tried more hard on dis."

i said : "i admit, there's a slight bit of hope there. But i've been thinking the same way as u did for all this time, and i kept thinking until i came to a conclusion that it'll never work."

he said : "dont be too sarcastic,baby. Negative thinking won't get u any farer, it'll just make u stay put on place dat u dun belong to."

i said : "no probs to me. I never knoe which ground to stand until now. "

he said : "it could've been u.. i mean.. wat's wrong? wat's wrong wit us?"

i said : " nothin, darling. nothin's wrong,. it's just too many "right" here witout a "wrong". So it wasn't real at all, us, never real."

he said : "i still gonna try to wait. Still gonna try."

i said : "u have to go. i'm gonna miss u a lot, honey."

he said : "yea, i guess i'll leave now. so tis is for good rite?"

i said : "nope, it's for the best. Take care.."

he said : "u too, luv.."

and we hugged... i thought it'll be hard to let him, cos the comfort seems irreplaceable by anyone. But i release the hug, and no longing feeling for more. Uff..it's not that hard.

so as neu people came into my life, some of them leaved.

now, i've let go two persons dat i've considered as my precious.
who once i thought dat my life wouldn't be the same again witout them, and it's true.
But in a very good way.

Thank God.. for helping me goin through all these.

and let me for being "me"

Thanks to Dearest Sony kampret (tetep nyela dong ah!)

for :

• not letting me being abandoned
• Obat cacingnya (uff... nyebelin sih, tp berguna sekali tentunya)
• celaan-celaan menusuk yg selalu dilontarkan kpadaku setiap saat
• Susu murni + madu .. aaah... enak..
• e'e ku di wc-mu, di pom bensin, di batu karas (akirnya mulai bisa e'e di wc laen selaen wc ku)
• e'e kedua ku di wc mu yg ternyata mengandung cacing (iiih..) berdiameter spaghetti
• taking me to the beach... aaaaaaa.... will never forget dat... ever!!
• curhat colongan
• comment2 yg mnusuk dan bikin mikir berat
• my "almost crying" moment
• bantuin ngegodain anggi (huehehehe...)
• Tanning tanpa bikini (first in my life loh!!!)
• Candid candid nya... yuhuuuuu... senang skali di poto!!
• "coming" ku krn tanning... aaaaah... nikmat
• satu jam ngekor di blakang ambulance... dat's the tough one.
• the vacation dat i considered as "journey of healing"

and last...

for everything lah pokoknya...

huhuhu... dramatissssssh !!!!!!

back again.. home.. with fully-charged soul.. alaaah.. apa tw tu artinya..

kemaren ini, ke bdg.. dari hari jumat, baru plg selasa siang (hari ini).

ada seorg temen baru bernama S.S.J, menawarkan diri dgn baik hati untuk mengajakku liburan k pantai batu karas. ah.. sapa yg bs nolak klo udh urusan pantai, beib?

akhirnya, sampailah diriku di bdg, lalu dijemput dia, dan... ah... ternyata... baru ktemu aja udah mulai stress (tp stress-stress yg lucu gt..apa coba?).
why oh why?
karena... emang ternyata orgnya bgitu, doyannya nyela.. nyela.. nyela.. and nyela.. trus ktawa.. tentunya diatas penderitaan orang lain (maksudnya aku!)
tapi yah, bisa dimaklumi, considering emang aku bahan empuk buat dicela. (kesiaaaan...)

trus nginep lah di tempatnya, dan sudah bulat kputusan hari Sabtu akan brangkat ke batu karas.

hm.. sabtu malem akirnya brkt k sono, qta pegi ber-5 (aku, sinta, sony, anggi, dan que).
jadi 3 jantan and 2 betina. alah.. kyk kami ini hewan saja yah...
perjalanannya kurang lebih 7 jam-an mungkin. kira2 brkt jam 7 malem, ngiter2 dulu melengkapi perbekalan, then bneran brktnya jam 8-an.

dunno why, pas di perjalanan.. ah.. tiba2 kok aku jadi curcol (curhat colongan) ma dia and que (secara que duduk disampingnya, pasti denger juga lah, dan ikutan ngasi comment, berarti emang tu anak nyimak jg sampahan aku). ketika kedua cw laennya lg tidur.
Hm.. i told them almost everything, everything that had been buried deep in my darkest spot lah. trus.. yah.. dikasi tanggepan pastinya, tapiii... kagak ada alus-alusnya tu comment.
saklek se-saklek saklek nya.. aaah.. namanya nusuk, yah jgn ditanya. Tapi kok, jadi bikin aku mikir yah ( i mean mikir se-mikir mikirnya).. berat... berat...

at first, i thought dat nobody can and would understand gitu.
but then i realized, they can't and wouldn't understand only if i wanted to be lyke dat.
so, what's the worst dat can happen by telling some past dat caused me pain? nothin.. maybe feeling sad and low, but it's all for resurrection kan?
nobody can be happy witout feeling pain at first. true?

berat lah perjalanannya, ya curhat, ya mikir, plus siksaan mau period.. aah..
ampe hampir2 an nangis aja gt, pdhl aku tu yg namanya nangis tu susa bgt.
thank God, sblm kburu ngocor tu aer mata, ada interupsi dari cw2 yg terbangun dr tidur.
klo engga.. uff.. tu cowo dua bakalan muntah-muntah akibat kejadian menitikan aer mata (wuih.. super dramatis dan sentimentil.. haha).

kt sony, knp kok aku mesti nge-jadiin idup aku lebih berat dr yg seharusnya. Aku mikir emang idup ku seberat itu, dan ga ada jln (yg kpikiran) yg bisa bikin jd lebi enteng.
"u r wat u think" sony said..
and.. eventually, i realized dat it's true.

ktnya aku hrs nemuin muse, atw trigger, atw inspirasi yg bisa bikin aku bangkit lagi saat aku jatuh se-jatuh jatuhnya, yg bisa bikin aku berpikir klo aku tu bisa lewatin itu semua bukan dgn lari tapi coba untuk nyelesain smua mslh. i know i have to try hard to see everything through the simplicity, and when i can do dat, everything will work out.

Thanks ya beib.. it was a very precious (first) enlightment for me.

back again to batu karas story.

akirnya.. nyampe di batu karas!! jam 3 pagi gitu.. gelap.. tapi.. suara ombaknya, wangi lautnya, pasirnya, udara laut yg brasa lengket itu ngebuat semua rasa capek ilang se-ilang-ilangnya (wuih.. dramatis lah!!)

jadilah.. parkir mobil, ngiter2 nyari penginapan, blm dpt kamar, then akirnya malah jalan ke pantai, nongkrong2 lah...

hm.. kbelet pipis berat!!!! and u my dearest fella pasti tau apa yg aku paling suka lakuin di pantai selaen tanning... yup.. pipis di pasir... haha.. kulakukan lah hal itu dibalik pohon ditengah gelapnya pantai yg light-less (minim sekali akan cahaya)..
aaah... dodorin celana trus jongkok, ngeden dikit dan mengalirlah urine (caelah..urine!!) ku..
trusss... di poto aja dulu kan ama si sony geblek.. amat sgt mencengangkan.. bisa2 nya org itu.. tapi aku tetep aja pipis, ga worth it juga nunda pipis gara2 dipoto. Jadi, tetep deh pipis sambil merem-melek krn nikmatnya and ga lupa sambil make a wish "Dear Lord, fergive me fer my rudeness, but please.. as my urine seeps through tis sand of ur creation, give me strenght to do things dat i haven't able to do before. amen". uuuw... legaaaaaa....
tak peduli aku akan tertawaan manusia2 error itu, yg penting aku pipis di pasir pantai!!!! haha.. lgpl mw pipis dmn lagi? mana ada aja gitu toilet umum yg buka jam 3 pagi?

udah aja abis itu, minum2 dikit.. ampe matahari kesayangan ( = matahari pantai) nongol, and bit tipsy and feel so sleepy.. hayuuu anak2.. mari bobo dulu di mobil.. yuuuuuk....

kbangun, gara2 gerah, trus lalet2 kampret pd nemplok.. yah.. kullit udah bau asin2 laut gt, mana mungkin lalet kagak demen?

kembali mnuju pantai.. aha.. tadinya mo tanning-an eh malah maen aer, tentunya stelah ganti baju.. pake bikini plus luaran ( biar enteng gt ).
pake acara dilemparkan dengan mudahnya ke aer ma anggi and sinta,yah, 2 cewe besar mengangkat seorang cw dgn berat 38 kg.. kyk ngangkat bulu lah pastinya.,
uff.. basah smuaaaaaa... tapi ku senaaaaaaaaaang....

trus.. sakit!!!!! uuugh... tau-tau malah mens... ah... taeeeee... pake acara muntah sgala (thanks anggi darling, gara2 dipijet kmu, muntahnya jd bisa kluar, laff u)
ga napsu makan.. ah... pokoknya aku jadi ga asik bgt dah!!!!!
malemnya.. blajar maen kartu (apa ya namanya, lupa euy) diajarin ma que. makasi ya que, atas ilmu barunya, laff u. (iih... kyk artis aja, smua di laff u-in)

hmm.. baru inget.. kudu bikin thank u list dulu buat sony. ntar lanjut lagi yah.

Was it

a vacation ?

or

a journey of healing ?

hope fer the good

..

Haaaaaaaaaaiiii...

h0h0h0... remember my last post 'bout combantrin?

ternyata.. an hour after i posted the story, an hour after my delightful moment cos of my "suceeded-pup-in-someone else's-bathroom" and one hour of total relieved soul knowing dat i'm "worms-free", and i took a pup again.

then... arrrrrggh... der was dis worm with spaghetti-sized-diameter and unknown lenght and wit dat kinda off-white color floating happily(dunno it was because the toilet water or it was alive back then) but one thing fer sure it was a totally frightening scene!!

so the rumor was right after all.
but one thing to clarify is, the worm came out not in the first shyt, but it will come out..
the first shytting will be "worms-free" and it was just to make u feel happy for a while, the when u shyt again, dat creature will expose itself..

sounds like a hero, appear in a very last minute to make sucha dramatic effect.

uuf.. anyway, after the 2nd shyt, the 3rd and fourth are totally "worms-free"
and i thank God fer dat.

please, fella... remind me in the next 6 months to take those shytty pills again... i made up my mind to fight again worms!!

i wanna be "worms-free"

not "worm-less"

i wanna be "worms-free"

so dat i dun have to be "weight-less"

hohoho...

hi..
@bandung now.. trying to have a vacation.
tis is the 2nd day, and so far.. i'm still calling it a vacation.

ak pegi ma shinta, lalu bertemu si manusia narsis yg amat sgt aneh.
lucu juga, ternyata manusia itu nyata.dan untungnya, bneran manusia.. pfiuh.. thank God.

anyway, i dun knoe how tis wil sound to u.
but never in my whole life, for all these 23 years, for all kinds of creatures dat i've met--- giving me COMBANTRIN as a present!
bingung ak, apakah dia manusia, atw makhluk aneh yg berwujud manusia.

y skrg, coba dipikir,, coba dipikir baek2.. mana ada org waras gt ngasih obat cacing sebagai hadiah? amat sgt berbudi luhur memang dan peduli pada kesehatan tentunya.
Tapi, jd g lucu lg klo pemberian hadiah itu diikuti dgn gosip2 dan rumor2 "apa yg terjadi saat obatnya diminum dan ak e'e"
mending yg bagus2 gt,. apa yg bgs dgn "tenang aja, ntar pas boker cacingnya bkl kluar kok, nge-gelantung gt, tinggal ditarik aja"

hah???!!! Tinggal ditarik aja???????!!!!!!

gak lucu sama sekali!

dan yg kacaunya lg, ak ndak bisa e'e di tempat laen selaen kamar mandi rumahku.

betapa kacaunya... kudu usaha keras untuk boker, and klo kluar musti narik cacing yg nge-gelantung pula... ho ho ho...

but all the bad news come with at least one good news.
and the good news is:
-- ak telah berhasil e'e, walaupun dgn trial and error berulang2 kali, dan gak ada cacingnya!! cuma warnanya aja yg agak lebih muda and pucat.

amiin... Thank God... ternyata masih ada kebaikan di dunia ini.

but anyway, thanks for the combantrin... hehe