arrangement of a messy happiness

wat's d deal?
um... am havin sum difficulties coping wit anything dat involvin emotion. but d problem is, everythin must come wit certain emotion. whether is it from me or sumone else's. that is the least thing i need. emotion. yesh. and u know wat????????? wat i need rite now is silentness. and.............................. it's so fuckin annoying dat everyone wont let me have my peace. i just want a lil time, in peace wit the absent of disturbance, for writing. but look wat i got? someone is watchin tv wit a fckin loud noise, and askin me this askin me that, hmmpf... cant they just keep their mouths shut for a while???????? um..well...dunno why am feelin so happy and so fcked up at the same time. need to organize. need to rearrange. haha. happy n fcked up. which one is dominant?
both! so... gonna need to arrange this state before one of the feeling become dominAnt. Yesss.... got to rearrange my messy happiness. will i be able? anyway, nowadays, i realized that i becoming a person wit sumwat high self-monitoring. hihihihi.... changing into a bad and ugly person. usually i dun ever give a damn about wat people think about me, wat i do, or evrything. but, why it's started to change? is it a good thing? or is it a bad thing? or is it a neutral thing? ha. crap! people changed, always changed. become good or bad, they're always change. but i'll never judge them for dat, even tho i'll grade them, but it's none of my concern to judge them or tellin them wat to do. and anyway, a bit confused here, now. i think i'm faking myself. witout any means to do it. it's sorta happened itself. or i might be forced to be sum1 else, forced by surroundings or the situation. and i hate it. i hate it and hate it more. bein is this kind of state makes me feel so miserable. but this miserableness causing a cute happy feeling. u know like, making me feel like wanna smile and in the same time thinkin how idiotic i am, but enjoying and proud of the idioticness. uh... feel like having butterflies inside my belly, and makes me wanna puke but dun want the butterflies to be vanished. let all the butterflies wander around, even tho they make me sick. conflicting. so wat's d point here? as usual. pointless. and im happy. and im fcked up. a happy life. a fcked up life. yesssssh... this is my messy happiness. and i know precisely now, that it needed no arrangement.