mourned...

it was a very unforgettable neu year’s eve.
cos when everyone were like havin fun to their limit.
and me..?
I was @ hospital, hecticly feeling awfully hectic.

as u all knoe, saya itu phobia bgt ama yg namanya ambulance and dinding2 rumah sakit yg berwarna putih hampa serta bebauan2 obat yg rasanya membuat saya lebih memilih untuk tdk bernapas [tp itu g mungkin kan?].

hm..it wasn’t a choice, to be there[@hospital] or stay @home.
but actually there’ll always be choices. and choosed to put all my sanity on the line untuk mengunjungi sarang para ambulance. ya..ya .. kyk ada 7 biji ambulance gt yg diparkir disana.
huhuhu… lagipula, how can I let my fears ruled me when my dearest uncle in the emergency room was struggling for his life??!

percaya deh, berat bgt rasanya.
terjebak antara phobia dan perasaan takut kehilangan seseorang.

aku sbenernya mau crita detail2 nya, tp setiap aku inget gmn kjadian2nya, aku ngerasa sakit bgt,.di dalem dada [yessh..just laugh @ me,just laugh,assh*le!]
pdhl yg smua org tau saya itu ga pny hati. saya pun ngerasa bgitu sampe kejadian ini,.

nunggu saat2 sbelum operasi, nunggu pas operasi, nunggu perkembangan stelah operasi. oh..damn.. I was so ffcked up back then.
gmn ga ffcked up?! stelah dianggurin seharian [dr tgl 30 pagi] di rs.koja dgn kepala bocor dan darah ngalir sperti keran aer dari kuping kanannya [it’s true! aku g bein hyperbolic!] yg cm dibalus kain and kasa [damned u, RS. koja!!!!] trus dipindah ke rs.uki sore2 tgl 31 dec dgn analisis dokter yg kmungkinan idupnya cm 30%, and nunggu dokter utk operate sampe akirnya br operate jam 2 pagi tgl 1 jan, and nunggu sampe operate slesai jam 8.30 pagi trus nunggu dipindahin k icu then nunggu perkembangan slanjutnya gmn.
My God…..!!!! HECTIC PARRRAHHH!!!!!

I just stayed @hospital, ga pulang2, klopun pulang, paling cm beberapa jam trus balik lg k rumh sakit.
tp yg jlas, aku jadi penghuni setia ruangtunggu ICU setiap malam.
Dan krn perkembangannya selalu baik, aku tetep smangat dan optimis dan tiba2 phobia itu spertinya sdh menghilang.

sampai….. pas hari itu tgl 3 jan. Tiba2 keadaannya nge-drop, and cm aku yg ada dsana.
jadilah aku the first person who was bein told by d doctors dat my uncle in on a critical state. an I was also the first person who saw him in his critical state. Too heavy for me. But I tried to be strong.

Hm…
then..the critical state berlangsung terus sampe malam, dan pas midnite, dokter blg jantungnya ga stabil. hell… wat’s next??! why is it getting bad?????
so dokter2nya berkonsultasi ma dokter jantung, and diturunkanlah resep utk obt jantung.
spupuku si jamal, brkt tenga malm buta utk bli obtnya, krn dat ffckn medicine ga ad di apotek rumh sakit.
kira2 jam 2 pagi jamal dtg bersama obtnya.
kira2 15 menit sesudah itu, dokter blg om ku udh ga bs nrima obtnya [Ffffck!!]
dan makin kritis kondisinya, dokter minta smua kluarganya utk berkumpul.
jadilah ak mnelpon kluarga ku nyuru mreka dtg.

jantungku rasanya udh mo copot, mau nangis tp rasanya udh nyesek bgt ampe udh ga ada space lg untuk nangis.
detik2 berlalu, menit2 berlalu.
ak nunggu kdatengan kluarga ku di ruang icu bersama tanteku and cekon [spupuku], and jamal? dia udh nangis and ga sanggup masuk lg k icu.
after kira2 15 menit, he passed away. He just cant take it anymore [maybe.. wit all d drugs and pains].
sucha calm leaving. looked like he choosed it, like he choosed to go.
I just cant believed it.!!!
why it had to be this fast?
damn!!!! he was still young. he’s 34 and he’s leaving already???!!!!!!

I cried… yes.. I cried.. hurt.. regret.. sad.. guilty..
I felt all.
I’m wrecked.
sampe pd titik itu, aku ngerasa ak udh ga kuat lg, ga kuat utk bertahan, even utk berdiri aja susah, dan sampe2 mau napas juga susah.

aku telp sony, I need support.
thankfully sony was still awake.
sonyet… ur support back then was really helping me. u put all my strengths back.

yaah… mungkin emang itu yg terbaik untuk dia.
ALLAH mengambil nyawanya supaya om ku gak hrs menderita lagi, supaya dia bebas.

smoga arwahnya diterima di sisi ALLAH, smoga dia damai di sisiNya.
Amin.

and tmen2, klo om karim pernh punya salah, atau apapun.. tolong dimaafin yah.
tolong juga berdoa untuk dia yah,
krn kita yg masih hidup ga bs lg ngebantu dia kcuali dgn doa.